I would like to try and tackle an interesting paradox: the more comfortable we become with who we are, the more uncomfortable we can become with how others experience us.
Meaning, greater self-awareness doesn’t necessarily lead to greater confidence in our relationships. I may know myself better in my fifties than I did in my thirties. I understand my values, my intentions, my strengths and my shortcomings. I tend to be less inclined to seek approval or apologise for being different, even though I remain a pleaser at heart!
Yet I am also more conscious of the unintended consequences of my words and behaviour. And that awareness can introduce a whole new type of insecurity. I am more conscious of the complexity of all types of relationships. I am aware that my intentions are not always understood and that even longstanding professional and personal relationships can be stalled by misunderstandings.
As a consequence, I may have become more cautious, even when I have greater confidence in my own judgement.
1. Intention versus impact
Generally speaking, we judge ourselves largely by our intentions, while others often judge us by the impact of our behaviour. Neither perspective tells the whole story. Good intentions don’t automatically excuse hurtful behaviour, but equally, someone’s hurt feelings don’t automatically mean we have behaved badly.
2. Taking ownership versus taking blame
We can take ownership by listening, asking questions, acknowledging someone’s experience and considering whether we might approach things differently next time.
But crucially, ownership doesn’t mean accepting blame or agreeing with someone else’s interpretation of our behaviour. I believe both people in an interaction have a responsibility to remain curious about the other’s perspective. This sounds easy, but in practice it is a hard habit to learn.
Staying curious is particularly relevant in any leadership position, where people need to be open to feedback without becoming so concerned about how they are perceived that they stop expressing themselves freely.
3. Self-awareness versus self-consciousness
This is how I understand this: self-awareness allows us to understand our behaviour and its consequences. Self-consciousness can make us second-guess ourselves, rehearse conversations in our heads and become hesitant about expressing our opinions.
The challenge I believe is to develop the former without allowing it to turn into the latter.
In my work, I spend a great deal of time listening to people describe their professional relationships. It has shown me how differently two people can experience the same interaction, even when both believe they are acting with the best intentions.
And there is another dimension I have been thinking about: the role of generosity in how we interpret other people.
We tend to talk mostly about taking responsibility for our impact on others. But perhaps we talk less about our responsibility as recipients of someone else’s words.
Are we willing to assume good intentions? Are we curious enough to ask what someone meant before deciding what they intended? Can we distinguish between being uncomfortable and being genuinely mistreated?
If we expect people to take ownership of how they come across, should we also show people tolerance and allow them to be imperfect?
Returning to leadership and professional relationships, it is impossible to expect authentic conversations whilst simultaneously expecting everyone to express themselves perfectly. That would leave little room for the emotions, thoughts and other dimensions people naturally bring to an exchange.
How much ownership can we really take of how others experience us?
The short answer is not as much as we perhaps think we should, and not as little as some people tend to.
In an ideal world, we would all be curious, open-minded, and kind all the time. Being human means this is not possible, for a whole range of internal and external factors influence how we feel and behave in any given moment. However, we can all start making a little bit more effort every day, trying just a little bit harder to improve our own interactions with others in a way that fits us personally.
Perhaps authentic conversations become more possible when we allow ourselves, and others, to get things wrong occasionally.
How can we remain confident in who we are while being thoughtful about how others experience us?
Perhaps by accepting that we cannot always get it right. We can take responsibility for our words and actions, remain open to feedback and be willing to reflect on our behaviour, without automatically questioning our character or intentions when someone reacts negatively. Equally, we can extend that same generosity to others, allowing room for misunderstandings, differences and the occasional misstep.
Authentic relationships do not require perfect people, just people who are willing to understand one another.
